Teaching Writing Is A Lot Like Mud Wrestling Yourself Sometimes

Well, my deep-fried twinkie TV didn't help as much as I'd like. grrrrr...

I'm just locked in a mental wrestling match with the people in my professional writing class. They're simply maddenning. You could, and I almost have, tapdance naked with flowers growing out of your ass, and these people would simply sit there and look at you, expressionless. Today was just ridiculous---it makes me so steamed, I'm not even going to dip a toe into describing it here. Otherwise, I think this post could easily turn into a rabbit-hole of bitching. But it was. Ridiculous. Rimotherfuckingdiculous.

Makes me nuts---they don't ask questions, they won't ask questions, they barely answer them, they almost never laugh. I'm going a little extreme in my description out of emotionality---we have had some good days. But, still. Cripes. It's like being stuck waiting tables in the non-smoking section on a real drag of a night for an entire semester.

And it burns me up no end that I know that the main thing I'm tied up in is struggling hard with feeling like I haven't done as good a job as I could have as a teacher. I hate, hate, hate letting students down; hate it. And I haven't done so here, which makes me extra NUTS. I definitely haven't done the best job of teaching this course, at all, but it's my first time out with it. I have worked hard at planning and assignment design, assessment and feedback, and developing classroom community and practices for doing the work. I have actually brought a pretty genuinely welcoming heart to every fucking class section, even though I've been pretty pissed off at other times. Given all the variables, I'd give myself a B-/B for the term for this one.

A B-/B is an absolutely fine grade for a first-time class, for God's sake. And yet, I am just all snared up in evil because they just aren't stepping up to their end of the relationship. Which makes nothing but sense, because if I have ever had a serious problem with my relationshipping, it's been with taking too much responsibility for other people not stepping up to their end of a relationship.

I mean the answer to my problem is to just stop being so sure I know anything about what these people are thinking or feeling. They do not talk to me, for God's sake; how could I possibly have any idea??? If I accept that I don't know what's going on behind their expressions (or lack thereof), then I have to stop being so ego-driven and taking it all so fucking personally. I have to accept that their discomfort or whatever could be about a zillion other things that are not me. As the old saying goes, the world does not revolve around me.

Ok, I write that, and I start to feel a little ease, a little spaciousness opening up.

And it's not that dramatic, either, is it? No. In my experience, really genuinely dramatic stuff doesn't happen in my life. A person's life rarely depends on the outcome of my actions---nothing in my world is that big a deal. Right. I remember this. I know this often, lately. I'm a fan of knowing this.

And yet more spaciousness opens up. And I realize that out of a class of 12, I only have 3 people who are actually actively resistant/aggressive. I have 1 that's really just lovely and brave, 5 that are good, hardworking, sweet people who are just very, very shy, 1 that is sooooo dear, in the few moments that he connects and lights up, and 2 who kind of just hang out. Also, all of them, even the really obnoxious little shit, have grown as writers this term, at least in some measure, and some, really, quite a bit.

And we only meet 3 more times. And 2 of those are presentation days. And then it's over, and I get to go on and do a better job next time.

And now I really start to feel better. Nicer. Less like a total asshole teacher. Which is nice.

I'm just going to go in on Thursday, bring them what they need to do, and be as nice to them as I can. I won't try to save the class, or them, or anything. I'll just show up and do my part and have as light a touch as possible. I'm just gonna get out of the way...