34 posts tagged “gratitude”

most years, spring snow gets me down

but it just snowed:

nothing but a minute sliced out of air---

thick white drops, against a warm, damp breeze
all smeared living gray, green, and brown

thick white drops of rain
snow     in     spring      is      rain

this is grace, nothing but these moments of

brightcold rainsplash awake
and
redwood-warmlight heartdeep love

nothing but a rich treasure of an accident of fate

I do so love the smell of spring.

I do not want to die, not at all, but since it's going to happen eventually, I hope I go out, like 120 years from now, in the very first few days of spring, with that scent in my nose. It reminds me of every wonderful memory, a pastiche of moments in a shifting swirl...

Spring break is my all-time favorite holiday. Every year, I look forward to it even more, and every year, it gets even sweeter when it arrives.

I let my last class go almost an hour early yesterday to celebrate. Really, it wasn't that much of a stretch--we'd genuinely done what they needed to do--but it definitely sold like a happy-break present. Since 2pm yesterday, I have done almost nothing responsible, and it feels soooooooooooooo good.

Gotta be at work at 4:30 today, really 4, if I wanna eat before my shift, and I definitely do. I am dedicating Spring Break 2009 to resting, rejuvenating, and realigning my behavior with my value system. As such, I will sleep like a human being, play like a human being, and eat like a human being. Eating like a human being is easy to do at My Bar--crabasses though they may be, our cooks take real pride in their work, and they don't make anything that's not good.

I will also work like a human being, instead of a machine. I have 4 batches of process-work to grade--one for each class--and one batch of major portfolios, before I get back next week. I also need to do some planning and get my ducks in a row, especially for Professional Writing. But working like a human being means taking weekends off, damnit. I will get up Monday morning and work a normal shift, 9-5, with a long lunch. I will do this every day through Friday, and then I will go back to goofing off.

I will keep the mitzvot of Spring Break. I will leave my house as little as possible; I will wear my pajamas late into the day; I will listen to records and watch TV. I will call all the people I've been too busy to call, and have long chats. I will sit with my meditation group on Saturday afternoon. I will hang out with Heartswater on Saturday evening, getting gently loaded and playing Wii. I will play poker on Sunday night and celebrate B's 39th birthday. I will take care of errands that serve solely personal/family needs. I will take pictures of the cats. I will do nice things for SLP. I will do fun things with SLP.

Yes. I like this plan. This is a good plan. Mmmm....

May you all have as much spring break this week as you possibly can!

I have a lot of observant Christian students this semester. My population is almost always majority Christian, anyway. Maybe I don't have any more than I usually do, but I guess at least more of them are writing about this aspect of their subculture-memberships and identity.

They're all really pretty dolly kids, these ones. One of my girls is so very, very, very enthusiastic about her Lord that she wrote almost 3 pages of her essay about how awesome it is for her to have a relationship with him. It's very moving to read such passion for love, kindness, forgiveness, and helping others. The essay itself has a lot of problems--serious repetition, really weird use of surface conventions (grammar, spelling, etc.), and super kaleidescope organization. It really does make for kind of dizzying reading.

But who gives a fuck about any of that? Jesum Crow, not me, lemme tell you. This kid can write--she's got everything she needs, rich language use, logical use of examples that demonstrate audience awareness, a remarkable work ethic. More than anything, she's got a genuine engagement with the world and an actual, real-live appetite for learning and growing. On top of that, she really does care about people and wants to communicate with them to be helpful. What more could you ask for? By the time she leaves my class, she'll be able to hang in the sophmore academic writing game, easy.

And they're very dear, very sweet to one another, these girls. And even to odd, Jewish old me, which is nice. I swear a lot when I teach. When I was starting out, I was spoken to very strongly about this by my boss, about just how bad it could go. She told us a story about a GA from a few years back who lost his gig when a very devout Christian student, who was offended by his language use, took her mother and went straight to the dean with their complaint. Thanks to this example, I make a huge point about how I'm trying really hard to cut down, but that when I get really going thinking with other people, I often cuss without realizing it. I tell them that they should feel extremely welcome to let me know, if they ever, ever feel that my swearing, or anything else in the classroom, makes them feel uncomfortable. I tell 'em that I happily accept this feedback in any form, that they can cut and paste letters out of a newspaper to write me a note, if they want to stay anonymous.

One of my church girls finally took me up on the offer this term! She wrote me the most wonderful, professional, sweeeeeet email about it. She explained that she had recently decided to give up the habit herself, that she's helping her friends stop swearing, and that she would really appreciate it if I would try to cut down even more. It was great. She made sure to tell me how much she liked my class, too, and even offered me specific examples to show why. It was genuinely one of my proudest moments as a teacher.

Hmmm... These girls--and their brothers in scholarship, too, of course---they're making a pretty warm little sun at the center of my term. Thank god, too, buried as I am in the consequences of my failures in planning! If I had a bunch of sullen little too-cool-for-skools this term, I think I finally would take to drink.

Well, as I type away here, I notice my dishes haven't washed themselves. I have a super-fucking-ton of grading to do, and more planning, as well as some re-planning. My dad will be here in about 10 minutes to drop off a bunch of stuff for my stepmother's birthday party this weekend. (We're hosting. I don't even want to think about writing about that.) I gotta clean the house for 60 guests. Hoo-boy.

No time to give into a powerful tiredness or malaise. I gotta pick up my bed and walk. After all, as my church girl wrote in her essay, "even if you think you dn't have theres allways time to set youre house in order." I shall begin with the dishes.

Glad to say. Namaste.

Prologue:
I wish I could put a link in the titles of Vox posts, but you know what they say, "wish in one hand..." So instead I'll put it here. If you don't already know who Arthur Dent is, I can't encourage you enough to take a minute to check it out.

At any rate, let's get on with the post:

Poor Arthur Dent. He "never could get the hang of Thursdays." I, on the other hand, seem to have figured them out. :)

Today was a good day. Really. In fact, I'd argue this whole week's been pretty good. The more I think/write about this, the more I really get how fucking sweet that is.

I mean, cripes, I've been depressed for something like two months. Two months! That's a long time to go, feeling low, sad, scared, anxious, tired, sad, dull to the world, crappy. It hasn't been all bad, nor has it been anywhere near as bad as it has in the past, but it hasn't been a party. Overall, I think I'll give myself an A-/B+ for just showing up and not making anything any worse.

And here's the thing, here's what makes the whole thing totally worth it. All I did was just not get in a big fight with depression, nor make best friends with it, and so it takes me way less time and energy to get to this week. We're not  talking about a magical week--not chock full of rainbows and orgasms, or anything. It's just been a pretty good week, but I'm so aware of it, so in touch with how cool it is, how really unbelievably mindbogglingly cool it is, to just have things not suck.

Glad to Say:

1. My classes really came alive this week. They've been relaxing and laughing and having some fun. Also, I seem to have gotten past something in teaching my professional writing course, so that lightens things up considerably for me.
2. Went shopping at the end of last week, so I've had a couple pretty new things to wear. I always, always dig it when I make a good outfit--it's never been a talent of mine, so I've been playing around with it lately.
3. My neck didn't hurt on Monday or Tuesday.
4. I finally won some good hands at poker on Sunday night.
5. My sister-in-law paid me the nicest compliment on her Facebook page today.
6. When, out of nowhere, I needed to pay $300.00 to keep SLP's car going, I could. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times my car has broken down and I haven't had to seriously sweat figuring out how to pay to get it fixed: once. This week. I think I should make January 28 a bodhibound national holiday.
7. Heartswater is finally getting to come visit on Saturday. Should it snow too much again, I will drive out in my car and pick her up from her town and carry her to mine. I shall not be denied the opportunity to hang out with her again, damnit.
8. All loved ones are safe and healthy, and many are happy.
9. The cats are actually coexisting peaceably. Mostly.
   
10. I took Friday night off work, so it's already Friday.
    

My neck is all ganked up again--it goes up to my jaw, tightens to a core in my neck and burns in my shoulder, and then goes down my back. Sheesh.

Today has largely been good. My morning class still gives me the willies. I don't really know how to teach professional writing, and the folks are nice, but not very confident, with one, maybe two, sour apples. But it went alright, and so it goes. It'll get better. My afternoon class was a lot of fun. We watched Alias and interrupted each other interrupting the show. I really, really like those guys.

Came home and chilled out with a little internet TV, and have been cleaning, slow and steady, since then. My in-laws are coming for an overnight this weekend, on their way down to a month or so on the road through nicer climes. I envy them this trip, I must say. I think this would be a very cool time to be roadtripping through the country, to get to talk to people in the first months of the Obama administration.

At any rate, I've been pretty productive today, and in a mostly good mood. That right there is an achievement for me right now. I'm a fan.

glad to say

Or, Post-Menstrual Gratitude:

Glad to Say

1. First week of classes at My Institution went really just very lovely. I've got two very interesting bunches of folks--good sense of humor, excellent willingness to give the class a fair shake and see what it's all about, and some really, really smart cookies in the group.
2. Thanks to Heartswater's endless graciousness and wisdom, I believe I'm well enough prepared to teach the 2 classes I'm doing at The Community College, 2 classes I've never taught before, but am now actually looking forward to, instead of dreading failing big.
   
3. I am, as our title suggests, finally, finally, blessedly finally, post-menstrual, and just so very, very grateful for not being depressed, worried, anxious, ill, achy, and edging toward nuts. This day is my very favorite every single month. As the Wiccans say, "blessed be," in motherfuckingdeed.
4. The house is passably clean for the first time in a couple weeks.
5. I cleaned the house. I rolled into my Pre-MS this month off five weeks of crazy shit, busy-ness beyond belief, and being sick, so it's been some time since I've actually been consciously present while taking care of my home, and therefore my heart. Feels like heaven.
6. The new cat and the Hannah-Cat have finally struck the solid, genuine ground of an eventually lasting peace.
7. I found all the Angel episodes on the wonderful internet.
8. I really like season 5, almost as much as season 1. 
9. Spike's in season 5.
   
10. SLP  is home, healthy, and happy.
    

Glad to Say:

1. 6 hours sitting in the Florida sun this weekend.
2. 4 successful take-offs on an airplane.
3. 4 safe landings.
4. 1.5 weeks of teaching left till break.
5. 1 most excellent SLP.
6. 1 most excellent Hannah-Cat.
7. 0 bad news today.
8. 129 episodes of Buffy on the internet.
9. 1 digital picture frame came in the mail for early Xmas.
10. 2 more paychecks before the emptiness of adjunct-lecturer break, not just 1.
11. 2.5 more months of magical quit-smoking pills, even without health insurance.
    

Glad to Say:

1. The Advil Cold & Sinus just kicked in.
2. Only one more class to teach today, and it's Reader Review, so there's pretty much nothing for me to do.
3. Only a week and a half left of the term, and very little for me to do beyond just helping them see how smart and capable they are.
4. tvshack.net has all the Buffy episodes from season 4.
5. Got my hair cut yesterday.
6. Coffee, coffee, coffee.
7. SLP is going to be at home when I get there.
8. Kleenex with lotion.
9. Tennis shoes today; no heels.
10. Sky on the way into work was all gold/pink, full of big, fat snowflakes.
    

It's been a seriously long few days, so today's gratitude practice is brought to you by the conjunction, "But."

Glad to Say

1. I'm sick--sinusy, coughing, wheezing, hacking, blechhhhh sick, but at the moment, I feel a little bit better than I have so far.
2. Our house got broken into yesterday, but very little was ultimately taken, and no one was hurt at all.
3. I had to stand in the snow for an hour, waiting for the cops to arrive, but when they did, they were just unbelievably nice and patient.
4. Looks like we won't be getting the items of economic value left, including my grandmas' jewelery, but they didn't take much in the way of that kind of thing, and we are getting a bunch of the less expensive stuff back.
5. I need new tires in the worst way, but I'll probably be able to afford them before everything goes kaplooey.
6. I have to go to a wedding this weekend for people I don't know, who are all blond and rich, when I have no time and money, but the wedding's in Florida, we get to stay in a fancy hotel.
7. I had to sit through a meeting today with The World's Most Wretched Woman trying to get me in trouble, but I totally fucking won in the end, and I never have to talk to her again.
   
8. I have to work a double tomorrow, but my students are just really a ton of fun to hang out with, and we're watching Serenity in my literature course.
9. The house is a wreck and my in-laws are coming tomorrow, but SLP (The World's Most Awesome Husband) is going to clean up before we go to bed.
10. I'm a big, whiny baby, but SLP loves me anyway.