14 posts tagged “practice”

The most excellent Patty recently left us an interesting little post on how to make love stay. I really like reading Patty, so when I realized I was writing a post-length comment on her blog, I decided I should probably be polite and just put it up here on mine.

Patty was citing a radio talkshow host she's recently stumbled on, who offered the following short list of basic requirements for love that lasts. (There's more explanation for each, but I'll refer you to Patty's post linked above for the rest):

1. Love
2. Connection (which sounds something like sexual attraction mixed with uncanny familiarity)
3. Shared Vision
4. It takes two healthy, joyful, whole people to make one healthy, joyful, whole relationship.

I don't really have any problem with this list worth saying much about. I'm not sure I dig the last one, as it sort of sets up these unreasonable expectations for perfect-person-being, but that's really it. So the following list isn't a critique at all. It's just my contribution to the conversation, and it's largely all about practicality, 'cause I need that more than anything else. I do tend to be a head-in-clouds kind of girl, after all. I guess it's just that the list above, and the commentary accompanying it, seems to me to be sort of mystical and general. Mystical and general tend to get me in trouble.

At any rate, without any further ado:

Bodhibound's Best Practices for Making Love Last, So Far:

1. Common premise
1. Here, I don't mean perfect doubling--no same-religion, same-hated-vegetables, same-everything nuttiness. I think the most important elements of common premise are: wanting the same basic things, sharing a common level of desire to grow, in whatever ways, and a common moral compass, again, whatever that means, as well as a common work ethic.
   
2. Reciprocity
1. Reciprocity, like common premise, does not mean an identical exchange, and I believe that it's essential to healthy friendships, as well as to love that lasts. What I mean is that I need to know that SLP gives as much of a shit about me and my needs as I do about his, and vice versa. This can mean he lets me slide on things, or that he holds me to high expectations of excellence, that he does concrete things for me, that he calls when he's running late--whatever, just that his behavior consistently demonstrates valuing me. AND VICE VERSA.
   
3. Discipline
1. To do good reciprocity in my relationship, and to generally treat my lover with kindness and care, requires discipline. It is easy for me to start taking being taken good care of, for example, for granted, to forget how precious this relationship is. It's also easy for me to just be so fucking tired and wore out that I forget to hold up my end. \
2. Also, discipline is hugely important to me when it comes to fighting or being pissed off with SLP. For one thing, going on the highly offensive defense when hurt is the Bodhibound Family of Origin modus operandi, so I have to really make sure to keep my assholish knee-jerks in check. Additionally, being a bit of a drama queen, I can pretty easily slip into thinking that whatever is wrong in the moment is a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge deal and that it means that a) SLP is actually a horrible person, b) that I am actually a horrible person, c) that our relationship is about to slide down the slippery slope to hell, or d) some other melodramatic something. This requires the discipline of keeping things in perspective and counting my fucking blessings like other people count to ten.
4. A Healthy Sense of Humor
5. A Deep Well of Good Will

Or, Post-Menstrual Gratitude:

Glad to Say

1. First week of classes at My Institution went really just very lovely. I've got two very interesting bunches of folks--good sense of humor, excellent willingness to give the class a fair shake and see what it's all about, and some really, really smart cookies in the group.
2. Thanks to Heartswater's endless graciousness and wisdom, I believe I'm well enough prepared to teach the 2 classes I'm doing at The Community College, 2 classes I've never taught before, but am now actually looking forward to, instead of dreading failing big.
   
3. I am, as our title suggests, finally, finally, blessedly finally, post-menstrual, and just so very, very grateful for not being depressed, worried, anxious, ill, achy, and edging toward nuts. This day is my very favorite every single month. As the Wiccans say, "blessed be," in motherfuckingdeed.
4. The house is passably clean for the first time in a couple weeks.
5. I cleaned the house. I rolled into my Pre-MS this month off five weeks of crazy shit, busy-ness beyond belief, and being sick, so it's been some time since I've actually been consciously present while taking care of my home, and therefore my heart. Feels like heaven.
6. The new cat and the Hannah-Cat have finally struck the solid, genuine ground of an eventually lasting peace.
7. I found all the Angel episodes on the wonderful internet.
8. I really like season 5, almost as much as season 1. 
9. Spike's in season 5.
   
10. SLP  is home, healthy, and happy.
    

Glad to Say:

1. 6 hours sitting in the Florida sun this weekend.
2. 4 successful take-offs on an airplane.
3. 4 safe landings.
4. 1.5 weeks of teaching left till break.
5. 1 most excellent SLP.
6. 1 most excellent Hannah-Cat.
7. 0 bad news today.
8. 129 episodes of Buffy on the internet.
9. 1 digital picture frame came in the mail for early Xmas.
10. 2 more paychecks before the emptiness of adjunct-lecturer break, not just 1.
11. 2.5 more months of magical quit-smoking pills, even without health insurance.
    

Glad to Say:

1. The Advil Cold & Sinus just kicked in.
2. Only one more class to teach today, and it's Reader Review, so there's pretty much nothing for me to do.
3. Only a week and a half left of the term, and very little for me to do beyond just helping them see how smart and capable they are.
4. tvshack.net has all the Buffy episodes from season 4.
5. Got my hair cut yesterday.
6. Coffee, coffee, coffee.
7. SLP is going to be at home when I get there.
8. Kleenex with lotion.
9. Tennis shoes today; no heels.
10. Sky on the way into work was all gold/pink, full of big, fat snowflakes.
    

It's been a seriously long few days, so today's gratitude practice is brought to you by the conjunction, "But."

Glad to Say

1. I'm sick--sinusy, coughing, wheezing, hacking, blechhhhh sick, but at the moment, I feel a little bit better than I have so far.
2. Our house got broken into yesterday, but very little was ultimately taken, and no one was hurt at all.
3. I had to stand in the snow for an hour, waiting for the cops to arrive, but when they did, they were just unbelievably nice and patient.
4. Looks like we won't be getting the items of economic value left, including my grandmas' jewelery, but they didn't take much in the way of that kind of thing, and we are getting a bunch of the less expensive stuff back.
5. I need new tires in the worst way, but I'll probably be able to afford them before everything goes kaplooey.
6. I have to go to a wedding this weekend for people I don't know, who are all blond and rich, when I have no time and money, but the wedding's in Florida, we get to stay in a fancy hotel.
7. I had to sit through a meeting today with The World's Most Wretched Woman trying to get me in trouble, but I totally fucking won in the end, and I never have to talk to her again.
   
8. I have to work a double tomorrow, but my students are just really a ton of fun to hang out with, and we're watching Serenity in my literature course.
9. The house is a wreck and my in-laws are coming tomorrow, but SLP (The World's Most Awesome Husband) is going to clean up before we go to bed.
10. I'm a big, whiny baby, but SLP loves me anyway.
    

Well, it's the night before Thanksgiving and I'm a Jew, so Erev it is:

Glad to Say:

1. for all the difficulty my in-laws and I have had, we're all really enjoying our week together
   
2. the house is clean as a proverbial whistle
3. I genuinely like or love all 30-odd people who are coming over tomorrow
4. I've got one full class of Essay Packets read, graded, and responded to
5. my new jeans are pretty damn sweet
6. the cat has been very social with her grandparents, and has even gone adventuring in the basement all by her scaredy-cat self
7. the waitstaff at my favorite work-doing local diner all have two days off this week
8. one of my mentors from My Institution is coming for Txgiving tomorrow--after all he's done to help me figure out career stuff, I get to give something nice back to him
9. I get to go visit Heartswater on Saturday
10. I get to do homework with PTM on Sunday
11. my mother-in-law brought me 2 months worth of People magazine
    

Glad to Say:

1. Pandora Radio sure is sweet
2. today is Reader Review in both sections of my research-writing course
3. I have all the assignment sheets and whatnot done for all my courses through Txgiving Break
4. my research-writing students are really starting to gel into a group of friends
5. we haven't blown a fuse in the office all day, even though we've used the microwave and the coffee maker
6. breathing and being present
7. lunch out today after next class
8. probably letting my night class out a bit early
9. SLP is having some of his loveliest boys over for cards tonight
10. I just might get lucky after that ;)
    

More gratitude practice today:

Glad to Say:

1. my awesome, smart brother is applying for a position with the Obama administration, and he's asked me, his little sister, to do his resume for him
2. The Clash
3. SLP and his happy, happy ass (thanks Grrrace for focusing my attention on what really matters ;)
4. layers--long underwear, socks, jeans, t-shirt, sweater, huge sweatshirt (I hate, hate, hate being cold)
   
5. the wonderful people at 'my' local diner who let me do my homework in their smoking section for hours and let me park in their lot in the back
6. witch-tit cold though it may be out today, the sun is shining brilliantly
7. helping PTM figure out how to teach The Royal Tennebaums in her nursing class today
8. remembering to bring my cell charger with me today
9. Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
10. grading via email
    

Right. I'm in a pretty powerful mood to bitch, whine, complain, and rail right now; not to list things I'm grateful for. Sigh. Unfortunately, or fortunately, really, that's not my self-imposed assignment. So:

Glad to Say:

1. my administrator is a truly lovely human being who genuinely has the backs of even adjuncts like me
2. that one's so awesome I think I'm going to paste it here, again: My administrator is a truly lovely human being who genuinely has the backs of even adjuncts like me
3. my officemates are ever ready to lend a sympathetic ear and a chorus of reassurance and my-side-taking
4. my head doesn't hurt
5. I have choices beyond being hugely defensively reactive when threatened, in the spirit of my family of origin
6. the sun's sending some dramatic rays out from a crack in the clouds out my window
7. my students really are genuinely decent folks
8. one of my old students stopped by today to bring me up to speed on his life, and it's just chock full of good, exciting things
9. SLP is my all-time favorite human being
10. this shirt looks pretty alright on me
    

Exam Prep Progress:

1. Have read about half--maybe just more than half--of the theory
2. Have read about a third of the literary texts
3. Have made a bunch of notes--in a notebook, on notecards
4. Have created some charts to think about the relationships between texts with the lovely Heartswater
5. Have come to some pretty good perspective on the exam overall
1. Having remembered that the statistical odds are pretty much equally high that I would have been dead by now as that I would be finishing a master's degree, in a healthy relationship, and generally experiencing an unprecedented level of mental and financial health, I realized that this damned exam really doesn't matter much. It clearly doesn't assess anything significant about me, or my intellectual ability/worth, or my teaching talent, or my adulthood or maturity. It mostly assesses how well I take the exam.
   
6. Have therefore cut down on the amount of time I spend hating my faculty, whining about my suffering, etc. (Remember, the significant phrase here is "cut down on." I don't mean to imply that I've cut these practices out, or that I wasn't, for instance, curled in a moaning, self-pitying, other-hating ball on Heartswater's floor over the weekend. Honesty, always.)

Thanks for thinking good thoughts for me/us! If possible, please think them in a super-concentrated way toward South-Eastern Michigan on August 8, at 9am.

Hope all is well with all!