26 posts tagged “prajna”

Feeling better, which is nice.

My dad is just such a total fucking asshole. And if anything's gonna make me feel like I've been timewarped into some whiny teenager, it's writing that sentence. Christ.

most years, spring snow gets me down

but it just snowed:

nothing but a minute sliced out of air---

thick white drops, against a warm, damp breeze
all smeared living gray, green, and brown

thick white drops of rain
snow     in     spring      is      rain

this is grace, nothing but these moments of

brightcold rainsplash awake
and
redwood-warmlight heartdeep love

nothing but a rich treasure of an accident of fate

Prologue:
I wish I could put a link in the titles of Vox posts, but you know what they say, "wish in one hand..." So instead I'll put it here. If you don't already know who Arthur Dent is, I can't encourage you enough to take a minute to check it out.

At any rate, let's get on with the post:

Poor Arthur Dent. He "never could get the hang of Thursdays." I, on the other hand, seem to have figured them out. :)

Today was a good day. Really. In fact, I'd argue this whole week's been pretty good. The more I think/write about this, the more I really get how fucking sweet that is.

I mean, cripes, I've been depressed for something like two months. Two months! That's a long time to go, feeling low, sad, scared, anxious, tired, sad, dull to the world, crappy. It hasn't been all bad, nor has it been anywhere near as bad as it has in the past, but it hasn't been a party. Overall, I think I'll give myself an A-/B+ for just showing up and not making anything any worse.

And here's the thing, here's what makes the whole thing totally worth it. All I did was just not get in a big fight with depression, nor make best friends with it, and so it takes me way less time and energy to get to this week. We're not  talking about a magical week--not chock full of rainbows and orgasms, or anything. It's just been a pretty good week, but I'm so aware of it, so in touch with how cool it is, how really unbelievably mindbogglingly cool it is, to just have things not suck.

Glad to Say:

1. My classes really came alive this week. They've been relaxing and laughing and having some fun. Also, I seem to have gotten past something in teaching my professional writing course, so that lightens things up considerably for me.
2. Went shopping at the end of last week, so I've had a couple pretty new things to wear. I always, always dig it when I make a good outfit--it's never been a talent of mine, so I've been playing around with it lately.
3. My neck didn't hurt on Monday or Tuesday.
4. I finally won some good hands at poker on Sunday night.
5. My sister-in-law paid me the nicest compliment on her Facebook page today.
6. When, out of nowhere, I needed to pay $300.00 to keep SLP's car going, I could. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times my car has broken down and I haven't had to seriously sweat figuring out how to pay to get it fixed: once. This week. I think I should make January 28 a bodhibound national holiday.
7. Heartswater is finally getting to come visit on Saturday. Should it snow too much again, I will drive out in my car and pick her up from her town and carry her to mine. I shall not be denied the opportunity to hang out with her again, damnit.
8. All loved ones are safe and healthy, and many are happy.
9. The cats are actually coexisting peaceably. Mostly.
   
10. I took Friday night off work, so it's already Friday.
    

Or, Post-Menstrual Gratitude:

Glad to Say

1. First week of classes at My Institution went really just very lovely. I've got two very interesting bunches of folks--good sense of humor, excellent willingness to give the class a fair shake and see what it's all about, and some really, really smart cookies in the group.
2. Thanks to Heartswater's endless graciousness and wisdom, I believe I'm well enough prepared to teach the 2 classes I'm doing at The Community College, 2 classes I've never taught before, but am now actually looking forward to, instead of dreading failing big.
   
3. I am, as our title suggests, finally, finally, blessedly finally, post-menstrual, and just so very, very grateful for not being depressed, worried, anxious, ill, achy, and edging toward nuts. This day is my very favorite every single month. As the Wiccans say, "blessed be," in motherfuckingdeed.
4. The house is passably clean for the first time in a couple weeks.
5. I cleaned the house. I rolled into my Pre-MS this month off five weeks of crazy shit, busy-ness beyond belief, and being sick, so it's been some time since I've actually been consciously present while taking care of my home, and therefore my heart. Feels like heaven.
6. The new cat and the Hannah-Cat have finally struck the solid, genuine ground of an eventually lasting peace.
7. I found all the Angel episodes on the wonderful internet.
8. I really like season 5, almost as much as season 1. 
9. Spike's in season 5.
   
10. SLP  is home, healthy, and happy.
    

Glad to Say:

1. 6 hours sitting in the Florida sun this weekend.
2. 4 successful take-offs on an airplane.
3. 4 safe landings.
4. 1.5 weeks of teaching left till break.
5. 1 most excellent SLP.
6. 1 most excellent Hannah-Cat.
7. 0 bad news today.
8. 129 episodes of Buffy on the internet.
9. 1 digital picture frame came in the mail for early Xmas.
10. 2 more paychecks before the emptiness of adjunct-lecturer break, not just 1.
11. 2.5 more months of magical quit-smoking pills, even without health insurance.
    

Glad to Say:

1. The Advil Cold & Sinus just kicked in.
2. Only one more class to teach today, and it's Reader Review, so there's pretty much nothing for me to do.
3. Only a week and a half left of the term, and very little for me to do beyond just helping them see how smart and capable they are.
4. tvshack.net has all the Buffy episodes from season 4.
5. Got my hair cut yesterday.
6. Coffee, coffee, coffee.
7. SLP is going to be at home when I get there.
8. Kleenex with lotion.
9. Tennis shoes today; no heels.
10. Sky on the way into work was all gold/pink, full of big, fat snowflakes.
    

It's been a seriously long few days, so today's gratitude practice is brought to you by the conjunction, "But."

Glad to Say

1. I'm sick--sinusy, coughing, wheezing, hacking, blechhhhh sick, but at the moment, I feel a little bit better than I have so far.
2. Our house got broken into yesterday, but very little was ultimately taken, and no one was hurt at all.
3. I had to stand in the snow for an hour, waiting for the cops to arrive, but when they did, they were just unbelievably nice and patient.
4. Looks like we won't be getting the items of economic value left, including my grandmas' jewelery, but they didn't take much in the way of that kind of thing, and we are getting a bunch of the less expensive stuff back.
5. I need new tires in the worst way, but I'll probably be able to afford them before everything goes kaplooey.
6. I have to go to a wedding this weekend for people I don't know, who are all blond and rich, when I have no time and money, but the wedding's in Florida, we get to stay in a fancy hotel.
7. I had to sit through a meeting today with The World's Most Wretched Woman trying to get me in trouble, but I totally fucking won in the end, and I never have to talk to her again.
   
8. I have to work a double tomorrow, but my students are just really a ton of fun to hang out with, and we're watching Serenity in my literature course.
9. The house is a wreck and my in-laws are coming tomorrow, but SLP (The World's Most Awesome Husband) is going to clean up before we go to bed.
10. I'm a big, whiny baby, but SLP loves me anyway.
    

Well, it's the night before Thanksgiving and I'm a Jew, so Erev it is:

Glad to Say:

1. for all the difficulty my in-laws and I have had, we're all really enjoying our week together
   
2. the house is clean as a proverbial whistle
3. I genuinely like or love all 30-odd people who are coming over tomorrow
4. I've got one full class of Essay Packets read, graded, and responded to
5. my new jeans are pretty damn sweet
6. the cat has been very social with her grandparents, and has even gone adventuring in the basement all by her scaredy-cat self
7. the waitstaff at my favorite work-doing local diner all have two days off this week
8. one of my mentors from My Institution is coming for Txgiving tomorrow--after all he's done to help me figure out career stuff, I get to give something nice back to him
9. I get to go visit Heartswater on Saturday
10. I get to do homework with PTM on Sunday
11. my mother-in-law brought me 2 months worth of People magazine
    

Glad to Say:

1. Pandora Radio sure is sweet
2. today is Reader Review in both sections of my research-writing course
3. I have all the assignment sheets and whatnot done for all my courses through Txgiving Break
4. my research-writing students are really starting to gel into a group of friends
5. we haven't blown a fuse in the office all day, even though we've used the microwave and the coffee maker
6. breathing and being present
7. lunch out today after next class
8. probably letting my night class out a bit early
9. SLP is having some of his loveliest boys over for cards tonight
10. I just might get lucky after that ;)