10 posts tagged “shenpa to prajna”

Well, my deep-fried twinkie TV didn't help as much as I'd like. grrrrr...

I'm just locked in a mental wrestling match with the people in my professional writing class. They're simply maddenning. You could, and I almost have, tapdance naked with flowers growing out of your ass, and these people would simply sit there and look at you, expressionless. Today was just ridiculous---it makes me so steamed, I'm not even going to dip a toe into describing it here. Otherwise, I think this post could easily turn into a rabbit-hole of bitching. But it was. Ridiculous. Rimotherfuckingdiculous.

Makes me nuts---they don't ask questions, they won't ask questions, they barely answer them, they almost never laugh. I'm going a little extreme in my description out of emotionality---we have had some good days. But, still. Cripes. It's like being stuck waiting tables in the non-smoking section on a real drag of a night for an entire semester.

And it burns me up no end that I know that the main thing I'm tied up in is struggling hard with feeling like I haven't done as good a job as I could have as a teacher. I hate, hate, hate letting students down; hate it. And I haven't done so here, which makes me extra NUTS. I definitely haven't done the best job of teaching this course, at all, but it's my first time out with it. I have worked hard at planning and assignment design, assessment and feedback, and developing classroom community and practices for doing the work. I have actually brought a pretty genuinely welcoming heart to every fucking class section, even though I've been pretty pissed off at other times. Given all the variables, I'd give myself a B-/B for the term for this one.

A B-/B is an absolutely fine grade for a first-time class, for God's sake. And yet, I am just all snared up in evil because they just aren't stepping up to their end of the relationship. Which makes nothing but sense, because if I have ever had a serious problem with my relationshipping, it's been with taking too much responsibility for other people not stepping up to their end of a relationship.

I mean the answer to my problem is to just stop being so sure I know anything about what these people are thinking or feeling. They do not talk to me, for God's sake; how could I possibly have any idea??? If I accept that I don't know what's going on behind their expressions (or lack thereof), then I have to stop being so ego-driven and taking it all so fucking personally. I have to accept that their discomfort or whatever could be about a zillion other things that are not me. As the old saying goes, the world does not revolve around me.

Ok, I write that, and I start to feel a little ease, a little spaciousness opening up.

And it's not that dramatic, either, is it? No. In my experience, really genuinely dramatic stuff doesn't happen in my life. A person's life rarely depends on the outcome of my actions---nothing in my world is that big a deal. Right. I remember this. I know this often, lately. I'm a fan of knowing this.

And yet more spaciousness opens up. And I realize that out of a class of 12, I only have 3 people who are actually actively resistant/aggressive. I have 1 that's really just lovely and brave, 5 that are good, hardworking, sweet people who are just very, very shy, 1 that is sooooo dear, in the few moments that he connects and lights up, and 2 who kind of just hang out. Also, all of them, even the really obnoxious little shit, have grown as writers this term, at least in some measure, and some, really, quite a bit.

And we only meet 3 more times. And 2 of those are presentation days. And then it's over, and I get to go on and do a better job next time.

And now I really start to feel better. Nicer. Less like a total asshole teacher. Which is nice.

I'm just going to go in on Thursday, bring them what they need to do, and be as nice to them as I can. I won't try to save the class, or them, or anything. I'll just show up and do my part and have as light a touch as possible. I'm just gonna get out of the way...

Deep Fried Twinkie Day couldn't have come at a better time this week. My students in my professional writing class were more difficult to love than they have been alllllllllll term, which is saying a lot. I almost made my Deep-Fried Twinkie experience allowing myself to hate them for a couple hours, but I've decided against it. Down that path lies a nastily slippery slope, after all, and the semester ain't over yet.

Instead, I'm going to waste some time watching wonderful internet TV, and when I am in a good enough mood again, I shall go back and grade.

Happy Deep Fried Twinkie Day to all!

Well, too bad. Goals, shmoals. The facts are that for the past few months, I've been spending entirely too much time staring at the sea. I'll give that I probably 'deserved' a break, whatever that means (I mean, of course I deserve a break--it is always ok and good for human beings not to suffer), but reality and 'deserve' are no longer a good match.

Errands need run, bodies need fed, and laundry, god knows, needs done. SLP is busting ass in school right now and waiting tables, and I just need to do a better job of taking care of us. Honestly, SLP is ultimately just a way better wife than me, and I need to start taking lessons from his example. I could have starved to death in a pile of books more than once in graduate skool without him. I did my chores, to be sure, and I think carried my weight reasonably well, given the circumstances, but it was SLP that kept us warm.

So goddamn it, I'm gonna do a better job. You heard it hear, first, folks.

It's been a seriously long few days, so today's gratitude practice is brought to you by the conjunction, "But."

Glad to Say

1. I'm sick--sinusy, coughing, wheezing, hacking, blechhhhh sick, but at the moment, I feel a little bit better than I have so far.
2. Our house got broken into yesterday, but very little was ultimately taken, and no one was hurt at all.
3. I had to stand in the snow for an hour, waiting for the cops to arrive, but when they did, they were just unbelievably nice and patient.
4. Looks like we won't be getting the items of economic value left, including my grandmas' jewelery, but they didn't take much in the way of that kind of thing, and we are getting a bunch of the less expensive stuff back.
5. I need new tires in the worst way, but I'll probably be able to afford them before everything goes kaplooey.
6. I have to go to a wedding this weekend for people I don't know, who are all blond and rich, when I have no time and money, but the wedding's in Florida, we get to stay in a fancy hotel.
7. I had to sit through a meeting today with The World's Most Wretched Woman trying to get me in trouble, but I totally fucking won in the end, and I never have to talk to her again.
   
8. I have to work a double tomorrow, but my students are just really a ton of fun to hang out with, and we're watching Serenity in my literature course.
9. The house is a wreck and my in-laws are coming tomorrow, but SLP (The World's Most Awesome Husband) is going to clean up before we go to bed.
10. I'm a big, whiny baby, but SLP loves me anyway.
    

Glad to Say:

1. Pandora Radio sure is sweet
2. today is Reader Review in both sections of my research-writing course
3. I have all the assignment sheets and whatnot done for all my courses through Txgiving Break
4. my research-writing students are really starting to gel into a group of friends
5. we haven't blown a fuse in the office all day, even though we've used the microwave and the coffee maker
6. breathing and being present
7. lunch out today after next class
8. probably letting my night class out a bit early
9. SLP is having some of his loveliest boys over for cards tonight
10. I just might get lucky after that ;)
    

More gratitude practice today:

Glad to Say:

1. my awesome, smart brother is applying for a position with the Obama administration, and he's asked me, his little sister, to do his resume for him
2. The Clash
3. SLP and his happy, happy ass (thanks Grrrace for focusing my attention on what really matters ;)
4. layers--long underwear, socks, jeans, t-shirt, sweater, huge sweatshirt (I hate, hate, hate being cold)
   
5. the wonderful people at 'my' local diner who let me do my homework in their smoking section for hours and let me park in their lot in the back
6. witch-tit cold though it may be out today, the sun is shining brilliantly
7. helping PTM figure out how to teach The Royal Tennebaums in her nursing class today
8. remembering to bring my cell charger with me today
9. Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
10. grading via email
    

Right. I'm in a pretty powerful mood to bitch, whine, complain, and rail right now; not to list things I'm grateful for. Sigh. Unfortunately, or fortunately, really, that's not my self-imposed assignment. So:

Glad to Say:

1. my administrator is a truly lovely human being who genuinely has the backs of even adjuncts like me
2. that one's so awesome I think I'm going to paste it here, again: My administrator is a truly lovely human being who genuinely has the backs of even adjuncts like me
3. my officemates are ever ready to lend a sympathetic ear and a chorus of reassurance and my-side-taking
4. my head doesn't hurt
5. I have choices beyond being hugely defensively reactive when threatened, in the spirit of my family of origin
6. the sun's sending some dramatic rays out from a crack in the clouds out my window
7. my students really are genuinely decent folks
8. one of my old students stopped by today to bring me up to speed on his life, and it's just chock full of good, exciting things
9. SLP is my all-time favorite human being
10. this shirt looks pretty alright on me
    

Glad to Say:

1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
2. David Boreanaz being hot and on tv for free on the internet
3. did productive work today
4. am not in an evil mood
5. SLP and I both have the day off
6. snow this morning was just beautiful
7. snow this afternoon is barely sticking
8. recent kerfuffle at work seems to be settling down
9. no Facebooking today
10. warm bathrobe
    

Back in the day, when I was hanging around with a bunch of recovering alcoholics, gratitude lists were all the rage for fighting off the kind of anxieties and wear and tear that can turn into that nasty sinking feeling that drives drunks to drink. I may not be an addict, but I surely am prone to turning my own mind on itself when I don't have enough to do, so:

Glad to Say:

1. SLP
2. teaching
3. most of my students making it around the bend in the term, so now we're mostly having fun and chilling while we work
4. dear friends: PTM, Heartswater, GE, and the rest...
5. free tv on hulu
6. teaching Serenity next week
7. orange sweatshirt
8. cat sleeping in box
9. abundant afghans
10. rice chex with milk and sugar
    

Ok, I am just steamed. At the moment, I think SLP is a nitwit jerk. That will pass; the fight's not particularly important or significant. What is interesting, and useful, is that I've just given him a huge lecture about the need to just fucking fake it till you make it sometimes. To just suck it up and fake a good attitude, fake willingness, fake having energy, fake being awake, because sometimes life is just hard and there isn't any choice but to get through it.

I testified about the incredible utility of faking it till you make it, about how much of it I've had to do, about how effective it can make you, if you just learn to harness it without self-hate and develop spiritual discipline about it. I was brilliant, eloquent--I was damn fired up.

Of course, it has just occurred to me that while SLP may or may not need that lecture--and I genuinely don't know--I surely fucking do. I realized that, hey, he's not an asshole; I just needed to kick my own ass into gear. And have  I!?! Oh indeed. I just gave myself the locker room motivational speech of a lifetime, man! I feel like I could go out and conquer a legion of fucking Roman soldiers right now.

Which is nice.

Of course, it occurs to me in my powerful, energized, newly committed burst of focus and confidence, that I did, in fact, deliver the lecture as though SLP were the primary audience. Crap. Which means I need to go apologize. Right, ok.

:)